


Learn From Their Mistakes

by garconrouge



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben tells Callum about Syed and Christian, Callum Needs a Hug, Cheating, Coming Out, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Incest, Jay is just trying to help, M/M, Mild Blood, Mutual Pining, Near Future, Pre-breakup, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Soppy, Weddings, like incredibly soppy and i refuse to apologise for it, this fic assumes ben and callum have been having a Proper AffairTM in the lead up to the wedding, which is a heavy tag but like in reality callum makes one offhand joke about ben and lola
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 06:44:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19785376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/garconrouge/pseuds/garconrouge
Summary: It's the day of Callum and Whitney's wedding. Callum isn't sure he can go through with it, and Ben has a story to tell to ensure that he doesn't.





	Learn From Their Mistakes

Callum was staring at himself in the bedroom mirror, lost in the reflection of his own eyes. His vision was defocused, his head swimming. He felt dizzy, but couldn’t quite bring himself to move. He only realised his head was drooping when his forehead hit the glass, and he pulled himself back, adjusting his tie. 

It was the morning of his wedding. Whitney had taken the flat for herself since the night before, and so he’d slept on Mick and Linda’s sofa after possibly the worst stag night ever. There wasn’t anything wrong with it on paper- Mick had let them use the Vic, and his friends had been there to drink and celebrate with him. His brother, too. The only issue was that it was the last place he wanted to be; celebrating an event he wasn’t even sure he wanted to happen in the first place.

He loved Whitney. He knew that. She was beautiful, and kind, and made him laugh. He cared so much for her, and the only word he could think to explain that was _love._

But when he was alone with Ben, it all felt so much different. Any time Ben’s hands were on Callum, he felt his skin set alight, got that lurching feeling in his stomach that pulled him towards him. He’d never felt anything like it before, not with Whitney, not with anybody. It was all so completely _new_ that Callum had no idea what to call it. All he knew was that, no matter how wrong he knew it was, he couldn’t get enough. 

Callum shook his head, his hands coming up to fix his tie. He had to stop thinking like that. It was his _wedding day,_ he was about to marry Whitney. He couldn’t start thinking like that again. 

But every time he thought about the day to come, a different feeling swept over his body. Starting in his lungs, branching out through his nervous system until it filled his entire body. Anxiety. He tried to tell himself that it was normal. Every groom gets anxious on his wedding day, hell it was even likely that Whitney was over in their flat now, her mind tossing and turning over whether or not she should go through with the wedding. Everyone he’d ever spoken to, every piece of wedding-related media he had ever seen told him that it was normal to be anxious before you get married. 

But it wasn’t just anxiety, if he stopped lying to himself. If he was truthful, looked himself in the eyes in Mick and Linda’s stupid mirror and was honest. It wasn’t just anxiety. It was _dread._

There was a knock on the door just as he came to this realisation, making him jump and turn to face the intruder.

“Mick said you’d be in here,” Ben explained, leaning against the door frame. 

“What do you want?” Callum sighed. Of all the people on the Square, Ben was both the first and the last person Callum wanted to see today. He wanted to throttle him and kiss him in equal measure. 

“I used to live here, y’know,” he said, blatantly ignoring Callum’s question. “When I was a kid. Me, my dad, my gran. I drew a family tree on the wall in here once. Gran went mental, but I was just trying to figure everything out.” 

Callum stayed silent. He didn’t know why Ben was telling him this, a story from so long ago that didn’t seem relevant to anything but their current location.

“Sometimes that’s what you’ve gotta do,” Ben continued, walking further into the room now, hands in his pockets, “have everything mapped out in front of you, so you can figure it all out.” 

“Did it work?” Callum finally asked, talking more to make himself comfortable than anything else. 

“Nah. It was too complicated,” Ben chuckled, vision flicking to the floor. 

“It probably wouldn’t be too easy now either,” Callum joked, “one big line across the bottom between you and Lola.”

“Oi, we was kids,” Ben said, a hint of offense in his voice. He dropped it quickly though, creeping even closer to Callum. He took a pause before starting to talk again. “You know, when I was a teenager I had the biggest crush on this guy.”

“Oh yeah?” Callum asked with clear disinterest, and if there was any twist of jealousy in his stomach he made an effort to ignore it, turning back towards the mirror as an excuse not to look at Ben. The other man still hadn’t explained why he was here to bother him, and it was setting him on edge. Callum couldn’t help but feel like Ben could drop a bombshell at any moment, or make him do something he’d regret the moment he remembered his imminent nuptials.

“Yeah,” Ben continued, “he was, what, quarter of a century older than me? Didn’t matter though. I thought I was in love with him. But there he was, chasing after some bloke who was all caught up in making everyone believe that he was straight.”

Callum’s breath hitched at that. _Of course_ Ben wasn’t just here to chat. He’d been waiting for the ulterior motive, and here it was. 

“He waited so long at the sidelines for him. Watched as the man he loved got married, got a flat, started planning for kids. His bloke wouldn’t even give him the courtesy of coming out when his own mum found out. Just thought if he could keep his missus from finding out, everything would be alright.”

“And was it?” Callum asked, turning to face Ben. There were tears in his eyes now, and his heart was aching. Whatever effect Ben was trying to have on him, it was working. 

“Of course it wasn’t,” Ben said, his voice solemn and a half smile on his face. “They always find out in the end.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” Callum asked. He could hear the distress in his own voice, and it frightened him. This shouldn’t be upsetting, not on such a personal level. He shouldn’t be worried about Whitney finding out the truth, because there shouldn’t be anything _for_ her to find out. 

“Because that whole time,” Ben said, coming over to Callum properly. He was so close now that he could smell his aftershave. Ben put his hand on Callum’s cheek, and Callum felt his heart beat faster in his chest. “That whole time I thought _just get out_ . _Go find a bloke who doesn’t want to hide. Go be with someone you can show off in public._ I didn’t get why he’d want to cling to something he had to hide.” 

Ben paused again, inching even closer. He brought their foreheads together, looking straight into Callum’s eyes. Callum swallowed hard, wanting to close his eyes but not quite being able to bring himself to do it. 

“But I get it now,” Ben said, his thumb stroking Callum’s cheek, “I get the waiting, I get watching someone you love be with somebody else. ‘Cause you can’t just stop caring about someone, even if they’re not ready for you yet.”

“What was his name?” Callum asked, barely louder than a whisper. “The one he was chasing after, the bloke who got married, what was his name?”

“Syed.”

“And what did he do? Syed, how did he make everything just stop?”

“He didn’t,” Ben sighed, and Callum knew it was a heavy truth, “he got married to the girl his parents approved of, kept seeing that guy, Christian, behind her back. Probably wouldn’t have ever told the truth if it hadn’t been forced out of him by other people. And I don’t want that for you.” 

Callum fell into Ben, sliding down to rest his head in the crook of Ben’s neck as he wrapped his arms around him. 

“I don’t want you to make the same mistake he did. I don’t want to watch you be happy from the sidelines and only be able to speak the truth in the dark. I don’t want to follow in his footsteps.” 

“You don’t want me to get married,” Callum said, both a question and a statement all at once.

“Well no, not really. I’d die inside watching you marry her, if I’m honest. But it’s not my choice.” Ben pulled away from him at that moment, arms on his shoulders as he looked him deep in the eyes. Callum could feel that unmistakable ache behind his eyes that told him they were red and shining with tears. “If you love Whitney, and you can truthfully say that you don’t feel anything for me, then I want you to go and marry her. Be happy with her. But only if you can promise me that you’d be happy. Only if you can promise _yourself_ that it’s what you truly want.”

“And if I can’t?” Callum asked, voice breaking.

“If you can’t, don’t marry Whitney. And I’m not even saying that just ‘cause I want you to be with me- ‘cause that’s not what’s important here. I want what’s best for you, Callum. And for Whitney. And if you’re not one hundred percent sure you’ll be happy in that marriage, you gotta get out.” 

There were tears falling down Callum’s face now. Ben came closer, hands back on Callum’s cheeks, before leaning in and pressing a slow kiss to his forehead. There was sadness there, he knew. A sense of loss. For Ben, this was a goodbye- or at least the preparation for one. Callum watched as Ben dropped his hands, turned away, and walked towards the door.

“Would you still be there?”

Ben turned to face Callum, a sober look on his face. “If?” he asked, needing to say no more than that.

“If I married Whitney, would you still be there?” Callum felt pathetic to even ask. If he married Whitney he shouldn’t want anybody else. Should never feel so lonely at the thought of a life without Ben; but he knew that he would.

“No,” Ben said quickly, looking down at the floor and scratching the back of his neck, awkward, “see you might be my Syed- whatever the hell that means - but I’m not gonna be your Christian. I’m not about to wait around for whatever scraps of attention you can spare. No, if you marry Whitney, Callum, then you won’t see me again.” 

He left at that, not giving Callum the chance to get another word in. It took him a moment to realise he was shaking, fists balled at his sides, and that he was _angry._ Not at Ben, not at Whitney, not even at himself, for once. He was angry at the universe for putting him in this position. For making him fall for Whitney, and then for ruining that by bringing Ben into his life like a fucking hurricane, tearing up everything he thought was true about his life. Making him feel truly alive for the first time in his fucking life. 

Callum didn’t quite realise he’d punched the mirror until he felt the pain shoot through his hand, and saw his own broken reflection in the shattered glass. His hand was bleeding, and there were tiny shards of glass sticking out of his knuckles. He shook his hand in the air, as if that would do anything to help, and sunk back onto Mick and Linda’s bed. 

“Can’t do _any-fucking-thing right_ ,” he sobbed, pulling at his own hair as he did so. He felt so useless and helpless at the same time. Like he’d failed everybody who cared about him- Whitney, his brother, every single guest in that hall still waiting for him to arrive. He’d messed up, ruined everything once again.

“I’ve been told to come get ya’”

He looked up from the bed to see Jay standing there, all suited up and hands in his pockets. He and Ben were scarily alike, sometimes. Callum tried to smile up at him, but it came out wretched and forced. 

“What’s wrong mate?” he said, walking towards where Callum was sitting. He looked down at Callum’s knuckles, and a grimace came upon his face. “What did you do to your hand?”

Callum shook his head, not wanting to answer, but he saw Jay’s eyes flicker over to the broken mirror, which must have been explanation enough.

“I can’t do it Jay, I can’t marry Whitney.” It was the truth, and he knew that. Ben was right- if he wasn’t one hundred percent certain that this is what he wanted, then he couldn’t go through with it. It wasn’t fair on him, and it sure as hell wasn’t fair on Whitney. She didn’t deserve to be a consolation prize.

“What do you mean you can’t do it? Of course you can, you love her you mug.” Jay was putting on his best calm-down-the-groom act, and Callum spotted it right away. He knew he meant well, but it frustrated Callum that he didn’t quite understand. Didn’t get that this wasn’t just your regular anxious groom. That Callum really _couldn’t do this._

“It’s not that simple, Jay.”

“Well from where I’m standing yeah, it is. You love her, you marry her. That’s it, job done. Then you’re happy.” Jay reached over to adjust Callum’s tie, which had come loose from his encounter with Ben, but Callum hit at his hands to stop him from fixing it. Fixing his tie wouldn’t fix the mess he’d made of his relationship.

“But I won’t be. I won’t be happy, Jay- ‘cause I love Whitney, I really really do- but she’s not who I wanna be with.” He came to this realisation the very moment he said it, thought those words for the first time just as they were falling from his lips. He adored Whitney, he truly did, but at the end of the day she just wasn’t who he wanted in his arms. She wasn’t the person he wanted to come home to. 

“What do you mean she’s not who you wanna be with?” Jay sounded confused, and Callum could understand why. He knew he hadn’t exactly been the most transparent person in the past, and he wasn’t getting any better at being coherent now. “ You just said you love her-”

“Yeah, and I do, but-”

“So what’s the issue then?”

“I WANNA BE WITH BEN!” he screamed, jumping up from the bed. He didn’t mean to say it, had never even admitted that to himself before- and here he was, screaming it in Jay’s face like some mad declaration of love. And that’s what it was, he supposed. “I wanna be with Ben,” he said, much quieter this time, his voice breaking- a reflection of his heart. He sank back down to the bed at that, head in his hands once more.

“... Ben? You wanna be with Ben?”

“I think I love him…”

“More than Whitney?” Callum could tell that Jay still didn’t completely understand. He didn’t blame him. A distressed groom telling you he’s in love with your brother on the morning of his wedding wasn’t exactly the easiest scenario to understand.

Callum nodded, slowly but with no hesitance. There was no doubt in his mind, now. Once he’d said those words, admitted it out loud and to another human being, he knew that they were true. 

“Well how long’s this been going on? Is it just some crush or- or have you and him been having a thing?” Jay came over to sit beside him now, one hand coming to rest on Callum’s back, between his shoulder blades. 

“I didn’t mean for it to happen… I was angry at him about the stupid van he sold me, pushed him up against a door and- I wanted to kiss him. He _knew_. He could tell I wasn’t…” 

“That you weren’t straight,” Jay provided.

“Yeah. But it didn’t start then, really. But he kept winding me up, making all these little digs and jokes about _coming out_ and keeping secrets and just making me remember that I was lying every chance he got. And I got sick of it,” 

“Yeah well I hope you punched him for that,” Jay laughed.

“He wanted me to. Told me to- God, practically _begged_ me to hit him-”

“Bit too much information, mate-”

“No, not like that, I mean-”

“I’m joking, Callum. What did you do then, did you batter him? He’s had quite a few punch-ups recently,” Callum felt his heart skip a beat at that, and he knew Jay was right. Ben had taken a lot of shit recently, been bruised more times than he hadn’t- and a lot of it was Callum’s fault.

“I kissed him,” Callum admitted, voice so low he wondered if Jay could actually hear him. 

“When was that?” Jay asked, tone soft. Callum could tell he was making a genuine effort to hear him out. 

“June sixth,” he said, possibly a little too quickly. He wasn’t surprised that he remembered the exact day. He’d thought about it too many times to forget.

“You weren’t even engaged at that point, Callum!” came the reply, shock evident in Jay’s voice now.

“I know, I know! And I feel like such a pillock for letting it get this far…”

“So you’ve been with Ben since then? Ever since June?”

“Not really. I tried to stay away from him, I really tried to be the boyfriend Whitney deserved, Jay- but I just couldn’t be without him.”

“You really care about him don’t ya?” Jay asked, calmer now and fondness back in his voice. Callum just nodded, now biting at the side of his thumb from nerves. 

“Well we better call this wedding off then.” And with that, Jay was pulling his phone from his pocket, pressing call and bringing it to his ear. “I’m gonna call Lola, get her to bring Whitney here. We can tell her together.” 

“She’s gonna hate me,” Callum sighed, and Jay brought a hand over to his shoulder.

“She’ll probably slap you, but I can’t say you don’t deserve it.” Callum nodded at that. He was the bad guy in this scenario, he knew. It was his actions that lead to all of this crumbling down around him.

Callum heard the phone pick up on the other end, and tuned out as Jay spoke to Lola and asked her to bring Whitney to the Vic. That feeling was coming back again, the anxiety and dread for what was about to happen, spreading out from his lungs and taking over his entire body. But he had to admit, there was something else there as well- excitement. Anticipation. He couldn’t quite believe what he was about to do, as much of a bad person as it made him.

“She’s coming. Doesn’t know why yet, but I’ve got your back while you tell her. You’ll have to tell Bianca on your own though,” Jay hissed, “one time when I was a kid she grabbed me by the ear, I don’t think it’s been shaped right since.” He tugged at his ear as if to prove his point, laughing as he did so, and Callum chuckled along with him. He could do this, he knew. 

He was going to be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> this was meant to be a oneshot, but if people are interested i'm happy to write more in this 'verse, so let me know!  
> hmu at hclfway.tumblr.com


End file.
